Are you there, _______? It’s me, Erik.

I’m having some difficulty with the idea that perception is reality; a strange overstatement. Reality is what is actually happening. Perception seems to be delusion; perception is a subjective assessment of an objective situation. Reality isn’t really open to interpretation- it is, by root of the word, what is real. You can perceive it myriad number of ways, but the truth is that your perception doesn’t affect what is.

I am frustrated with my seeming inability to be objective, no matter how hard I try. I feel as though I make every attempt to step back and assess a situation, but it seems that when I make some sort of irrational decision, I just rationalize my reasons in order to qualify them as objective. This failure to view reality as it is has become the root of my suffering. It sounds melodramatic, but I think it’s pretty accurate. It consumes my thoughts for too much of the day and it makes me uneasy. It affects my mood, it affects my sleep. It makes me question everything; I can’t just accept occurrences, I have to tear them apart until I make some illogical and devastating conclusion.

12 step programs say that recognizing you’ve got a problem is the first step. I recognize this is a problem. I recognize that no one stands between myself and happiness other than my mind. I’ve even taken the next step and attempted a higher power. Maybe it wasn’t the intended higher power, but it was a higher power nonetheless. It didn’t change much. I don’t know. I give up? I say that a lot. The problem is that I don’t give up; I’m all talk. I will keep plugging away, because I can and will make this work. Good morning, heartache. You’re like and old friend come to see me again.