An argument for destiny.

The cyclical nature of life has me questioning my lifelong habit of questioning. I've spent a lifetime insisting that I was in control, that the future was not decided, that what I do does matter — my decisions do make a difference.

I woke up this morning not so sure. It seemed very familiar; and familiarity does indeed breed contempt. One has an expectation that things will progress — people will grow up; they will identify their weaknesses and they will do their best to strengthen them. One has an ideal that they have the ability to change things about themselves, to view themselves objectively and take steps to alter their course if they feel they are meandering. Suddenly, I feel that I've realized that it is just not the case.

I feel as though I have worked very hard in the last year to break the cycle of life that I'd been in since I became an adult. I judge, I internalize, I never ask for help. I try to rationalize behaviors. I often feel stagnant. I overthink. I allow things to get to me that I fully recognize that I have no control over. So I read books on compassion, and try to practice it in everyday life. That's not really working; I have no better tolerance for stupidity than I have ever had. I try to express myself more openly, but people just end up offended, and so I realized that I should just keep things to myself. I identify opportunities to have other people help me; they generally express their confidence that I can handle it on my own. I still rationalize my behaviors, whether or not I can recognize that it's not really the right thing to do. I started school, and I love it, but it's just SO intense, SO encompassing. I still overthink EVERYTHING. Everything. I took a meditation class hoping to learn to separate myself from my thoughts. I overthink my meditation class. This probably doesn't shock most of you, but it kinda disappoints me. I tried medication, but I'm not sure it's changed anything. It's still cyclical: I think I can/will. I know I can/will. Why can't you support me while I try/do? What the fuck is wrong with you? It's not you, it's obviously me. This is too damned hard. Drink. Drink. Drink. I can't do this. I think I can/will...

It's not just my life that is cyclical, my experiences just don't seem to change, no matter how much I want them to. I really identify with the whole 'you can't change the way other people are, you can only change how you react' thing. It's definitely true. But how do you react to the friend who blames everyone else for his embarrassing, idiotic behavior? How do you react to the selfish nature of those who are so close to you? I honestly don't have the ability to tolerate it any longer. I have too much going on the worry that everything you do is my fault, or everything I do that does not involve you is a personal attack. To quote The Ramones, I want to live my life. I also want to surround myself with people who are happy that I want to live my life; not condemning everything on the basis of pure selfishness.